Chapter V: Natalie

How do you pick up the pieces from a shattered reality? With pieces missing can you ever form a picture again? Is acceptance knowing that the broken pieces can never be put back together, that you have to form a new picture to truly move on? The truth is I wanted to leave everything behind, but I never expected to watch it all crumble around me. Just because I wanted a new picture doesn’t mean I wanted the old one ripped from me and left in pieces. Why?

Nat lifted her fingers from the keyboard and read back to herself what she had wrote. It had taken a few days but Jacob had gotten her a laptop, the first thing she did was open a text file to write something. She had missed it, her phone still lied shattered and useless on the nightstand in the room, she hoped to someday get back the things she had written in it.

Jacob had also gotten her a wireless relay to connect to the shadow, inside the SSNY it was all hardwired, too risky to have in the air, out here though, encrypted signals didn’t draw much attention, there were already too many.

Plugging in the small device to the laptop the screen was filled with a login prompt Nat entered her simple username ‘nat’ and her complicated password. On her home page were many different forums that she enjoyed participating in, or just looking through, for now though, she navigated to the direct messaging page selecting the user ‘saoirse_dream’, she began typing:

hey, i’m not sure if you heard what happened, i’m ok, but i’ve lost everything. so, i’m ready to join you, if you can still get me.

Nat had no idea how quick Saoirse would respond, it was still early where she was. Nat went to move off the page when little dots appeared on the screen, she waited.

I’m so happy your ok, everybody’s scrambling after what happened to figure out why, I was planning on heading to the AAC to help out. I’m guessing you were there? I’m so sorry for what happened Nat. I’m leaving for the AAC tomorrow, just tell me where you are and I’ll head there as soon as I can.

i’m south of the ssny , not sure where exactly. i’m on this farm with two scouts from the color guard, they’ve been taking care of me. i can ask them about you coming when they get back.

Ok, let me know asap. Seriously though, are you good, how did you survive? The only ones I’ve heard of were two AAC scouts, and one got shot. What about your family?

my parents didn’t make it. i think my mom is the only reason i’m alive. my sister didn’t go, she went to take the standards, i have no idea if she’s ok or not. it was a massacre saoirse. i still can’t figure out why it happened.

I’m sorry Nat, I can’t imagine how you feel. I promise to be there soon, whatever you need, I’ll be there. I’ll try to look into your sister, the AAC might know something, she’s not on the shadow right?

no she’s not. thanks saoirse. seeing you finally is the one good thing i got going. i’ll get you my location as soon as i can. be safe.

Ok, be safe too.

Nat read over the exchange, she was excited that she would finally get to see Saoirse face to face. She knew what she looked like, they had exchanged pictures in their many conversations. She had wavy blonde hair with teal highlights that framed her soft kind face. Her appearance was everything Nat desired to be, how she wished she could look, mixed with an attraction that created the constant battle: did she want to be with her, or be her?

Nat longed to see her more than ever now, with no one left who really knew her, she needed her more than ever. She suspected the coming days would be slow, which meant the events of that night would have even more time to replay, over and over again.

The entrance to the house creaked open, Nat sat up, and listened carefully, the voices she heard where Jacob and Maggie’s. Nat left what had become her room and headed to the front of the house  and saw the tired faces of the pair staring off aimlessly with scattered maps, devices, and weapons strewn across the table.

“Hi,” Nat greeted them, trying to be cheerful, “anything new today?”

“New, but not interesting.” Jacob sighed.

“They’ve stopped coming to the mass grave, must be done with it, they left some equipment behind, but they didn’t come back to pick it up today,” Maggie elaborated.

So what now?” Nat asked.

“We’ll have to scout for a few more days make sure it’s safe then the plan is to let anyone who lost someone to come and pay their respects, it was suggested on the shadow.”

“Speaking of the shadow,” Jacob interrupted, “Did you manage to get on it?”

“Yeah,” Nat answered hesitantly, “About that actually, would you be willing to tell me where we are, like exactly? I’ve, got, uh, a… friend who wants to come get me. She needs to know where I am though.”

“Friend? From where? To take you where? Not back into the SSNY I hope.”

“Uh, no, not back to the SSNY, out west, to the PAC, she’s coming to the AAC to help out, she told me she could come get me.”

“Help out?”

Nat shrugged.

“Didn’t you read the briefing Jake?” Maggie asked him.

“No, why? Shit the one time…”

“The AAC contacted the Color Guard, they’re organizing to provide us with assistance.”

“And folks are coming from the PAC?”

“Probably from other places too, I think the triple-A has been letting everyone know what happened.”

“Holy shit Maggie, that’s huge, what did you think I wouldn’t think that’s big, why didn’t you say anything!?”

Maggie went to say something before Jake interrupted her, “Agh, you know the leaders won’t like this though, they’ve been refusing help from the anarchists for years…”

“That’s why I figured you read it,” Maggie said, “The leaders already sent a message refusing help.”

“Goddammit, of course, even after a fucking massacre they still can’t see it!” Jake threw his hands in the air, “But Nat, you said your friend is coming?”

“That’s what she said, and I believe her, I can’t see why she’d lie to me,” Nat replied.

“How do you know this person Nat? Who is she?” Maggie asked.

Nat hesitated, she couldn’t explain who Saoirse was without revealing something about herself, she took the risk, “I met her on the shadow she’s a member of the, the TLF…” Nat trailed off, she felt hot she imagined her face must’ve been red.

A look of realization passed over Maggie’s face, “Oh, oh I’m sorry dear, I just, I…”

Jake looked confused, “What?” he said to Maggie.

“The TLF Jake,” Maggie said, he still looked confused, “the Trans Liberation Front.”

The same look of realization passed over his face, he looked at Nat, “Sorry kid, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say we’ve been misgendering you?”

Nat nodded, she was looking at the floor now.

“So what, she, he, they, what do you prefer?” Jake asked.

Nat paused, “…she.”

She felt him come closer.

“Hey,” he said to her, “hey, look at me.”

Nat looked up at his face, his hazel eyes looked at her softly.

“Don’t be ashamed of who you are okay. I don’t care one way or another, no matter what I still would’ve picked you up off the side of the road.”

All Nat could do was nod, the emotions of the moment were so strong she was at a loss for words. Maggie came closer as well, “What is Nat short for?” she asked simply.

Nat fought back tears, “Natalie.”

“Natalie, that’s a wonderful name, you’re going to be a great woman Natalie,” she pulled Nat into a tight embrace. Nat cried into her shoulder, she felt the closest she had ever been to being her true self, and she would never have to go back.

* * *

It took some waiting but finally Saoirse was on her way. Jake had still been a bit skeptical to reveal their location, he had messaged Saoirse on his own account. Nat wasn’t privy to all the details of their exchange but was informed Saoirse was joining a group from the AAC that had worked with Jake before. They were coming to help scout for the southern border for an offensive that was looking to actually be happening. Jake said the leaders of the Color Guard were still opposed but the AAC wasn’t backing down and he was happy to join them.

Lately, Jake and Maggie had been smuggling people across the border to visit the mass grave. Jake had lamented over it being a bad idea, that inevitably something would happen, something that could jeopardize the relative safety they had in this region, but Maggie convinced him it was a good thing to do.

They had asked Nat if she wanted to visit it, but she couldn’t bring herself to go to that  place, especially since she had nearly been buried there. With Maggie and Jake out most nights the farmhouse was quiet. Since coming out, Maggie had given Nat some of her clothes as opposed to her son’s. It was strange how much more comfortable it was to wear those clothes instead, even if it was mostly androgynous anyway. The canvas pants really weren’t all that different but the black t-shirt’s fit just felt right. The way the shirt had been made created the illusion of a more feminine figure.

She sat on her laptop browsing the shadow, she had come to learn that the Color Guard had become mostly reluctant to take action after the massacre. The general messaging from the leadership seemed to be that they needed to collect themselves. However, the AAC seemed to be messaging for overthrow, though it was cryptic.

Nat hadn’t heard from Saoirse for a number of days, she had arrived in the AAC and was traveling to her now that’s all she knew. Every time Jake and Maggie returned she hoped she’d see Saoirse with them, but still nothing. As if she manifested them with her thoughts, she heard their truck coming down the dirt road, but it sounded faster than normal, a lot faster. She heard the doors slam and she got up quickly walking swiftly to the kitchen with the laptop still in hand.

The door burst open, both their faces were full of fear and covered in sweat.

“We’ve been compromised,” Jake said hurriedly without prompt.

“What, what does that mean!?” Nat stammered, the two’s fear was becoming contagious.

“That you need to hide, now,” Maggie responded gravely.

“But what about you?”

“We’ll be all right kid,” Jake assured her unconvincingly.

“C’mon, we’ve got a space below the basement,” he directed her down the stairs.

The basement was filled with many things, likely left behind during the war, some things new that belonged to Jake and Maggie. Along with the junk was a cache of weapons, semi-automatic rifles, hand guns, and shotguns, Nat had no idea what they were facing but she assumed her new guardians could.

They ushered her to a back corner, a large crate sat there which Jake took to pushing, he then opened a door that seemed to emerge from nowhere.

“Get in” he said with urgency.

Nat nodded and climbed down the ladder into a cramped space with two camp chairs and walls lined with canned food.

“We’ll come and get you when this is all over, just stay down here and be quiet, no one will find you,” Jake explained.

“You’ll be safe Natalie,” Maggie assured.

“Please be safe yourself,” Nat pleaded.

“We will, I promise,” Maggie smiled.

Jake nodded, “See you soon kid.”

“Yeah…” Nat said and the hole in the ceiling disappeared.

She could hear them shuffling above, their voices muffled until silence overcame the area. She sat in the room lit only by a small bulb in the wall that hummed with the dull sound of electricity. The silence was brief before she heard gunfire. The rapid clacking of automatic weapons was all she could hear, it reminded her of that night. Suddenly she felt like she was there again, she could almost hear the screams, the palpable terror that had filled the square that night filled the small room which now spun as Nat relived it. She felt a sickness rise in the pit of her stomach that spread across her body until she felt weak collapsing into the camp chair she struggled to maintain a grasp on reality.

Suddenly though, the shots stopped, after a few moments she found herself calming down. Above her, she heard heavy footsteps, shuffling that sounded like items being tossed around the room haphazardly before everything got quiet again. Muffled voices, these ones unfamiliar, more footsteps, then silence. Nat sat in this silence, again listening to the dull buzz of the light bulb and her own labored breath. She sat there, seconds, minutes, hours, until exhaustion overcame her and she passed out.

* * *

Nat awoke to the sound of the crate above her being shifted out of place. She braced herself to who she would see looking down on her. The door above revealing someone who in the chaos she had almost forgot was coming, Saoirse. From below Nat looked up in disbelief, Saoirse stood above her in combat boots and short high-waisted black jean-shorts with a tight black shirt. Around her arm was a band of horizontal lines of light blue pink and white followed by pink and light blue again.

She smiled down at Nat, “Found you.”

Nat was at a loss for words, she quickly climbed the ladder, “I, I…” Nat stammered. She looked into Saoirse’s green eyes, the same color as the highlights in her hair and felt tears well up into her own.

Saoirse’s expression softened, “Hey, hey it’s okay, you’re safe, you’re safe.”

She pulled Nat into a tight embrace, she smelt like the woods, but also like gunpowder.

“I’ve been so scared… I keep losing everyone, I don’t want to lose you too,” Nat cried.

“You won’t, I promise, I’m getting us out of here, away from all of this,” Saoirse pulled her tighter.

The stairs to the basement creaked, Saoirse let go pulling out a pistol with a silencer attached to it and aiming in the direction of the noise. A strangely familiar looking girl stepped into the light, Nat had seen her face before, but everything else, didn’t match. The girl had snow white hair streaked with lavender and purple eyes that looked at Nat with faint recognition as well. Saoirse relaxed, “All clear?” she asked simply.

“Yeah…” the girl said still looking at Nat, “wait… Nick?”

Nat cringed before she could say anything Saoirse cut in,

“Hey, that’s not her name anymore, wait, how do you even know that?”

Nat figured it out, it was the girl that she and her sister met at a protest, she knew when they met there had to have been something more to her. The girl she knew had black hair though, and gray eyes, could this be her?

“Mia?” Nat risked, “You look different.”

“Same to you… Nat, damn, things make a lot more sense now,” Mia replied.

Saoirse had moved fully from angry to confused, “Wait, how exactly do you two know each other?” Nat sensed a tinge of jealousy in her voice.

“Long story that we can explain later,” Mia said quickly, “more importantly, I’m happy you’re alive but I have to ask, do you know what happened to Nina?”

“Honestly, I was going to ask you the same thing.” Nat replied.