Chapter II: Natalie

We protest at the site of a bygone era, a state that measured its grandeur in opulence which now clashes with simplistic brutalism of the new regime. Those who came before us agitated against these flagrant disparities in wealth but in that fight, we lost our freedom of expression so we now must stand up again, for though we never may reach utopia, we can never give up hope.

Nat noticed the crowd around her had quieted, she looked up from her phone into which she had been attempting to write her thoughts on the protest as it occurred around her, she found in the midst of all of it, the words flowed most easily. The crowd had been standing together at the steps of a governmental building. The protest at this site was purely symbolic, all actual state operations were done over a hundred miles away, but to get in front of those buildings had proved difficult.

Nat looked towards the white columns of the building which glowed in the fading light of the day. She noticed the doors that the columns framed had been opened, light spilled out of them and soon so did the cops. This wasn’t unexpected, she figured the crowd would soon erupt into the cacophony of voices shouting various pejoratives at the men in tactical gear holding riot shields.

Then someone would charge the line, or a cop would get overzealous, or some combination of both at which time the clashes would begin. At this point Nat and her family would slip out of the protest and return home, her mother told her she was too young to be a part of it. She turned eighteen next month, surely then she could stay behind, she hated leaving the small group that stayed to get beaten by the police as those who wanted to remain peaceful quickly left.

The silence continued as a man stepped out of the old building, the man was old but still retained his strength, Nat vaguely recognized him, one of the ‘representatives’ that had clung to power her whole life and much of the time before as well.

He spoke into a microphone that boomed across the crowd standing in front of the building, “Fine people I urge you to go home,” the man said calmly, “your voices will be heard, I have talked your leaders and we may be able to come to a solution, but only if you stop. You have disturbed the peace, please go home, your ideas will be heard.”

Someone closer to the front shouted, “You haven’t talked to anyone, you won’t consider anything we have to say, fuck your peace, you disturb us you piece of —” a loud crack echoed through the crowd, Nat had finally located the shouting man as she watched him clutch his chest and fall to the ground.

On the steps of the building, next to the representative, had been more militarized police, these ones armed with assault rifles, not shields. One near the representative held his rifle to fire, aimed at the man who had just crumpled to the ground. Nat hadn’t fully processed the scene, adrenaline and fear whipped through her as the crowd charged the line of riot shields, another shot was fired, this time from their side of the line, the concrete column next to the representative exploded as the man was escorted back into the building. The men with rifles on the steps did not hesitate after the second shot to open fire on the crowd.

Fear, fear, that’s all Nat could feel as she stood paralyzed as the people around her ran screaming, some lay on the ground, still, some were desperately trying to save those already wounded. The automatic gunfire was deafening; she felt a hand grab her shoulder which whipped her around. She stood face to face with her mother tears streamed out of her mother’s brown eyes.

“Dad, where’s dad!?” Nat screamed desperately, her mother’s eyes widened, and she pushed Nat to the ground, as she fell she saw her mother collapse, Nat screamed as she hit the ground, she barely felt the pain as she slammed against the asphalt. She tried to get up, but her vision began to blur, she stood up unsteadily, trying to find her parents only to fall to the ground again this time, her vision blacked, as she wondered if this was the end for her.

* * *

Nat awoke to a repugnant stench and the loud sound of an engine, she felt something sharp pushing into the small of her back. Her thoughts were still hazy, she still was working on processing the events that had just occurred, she wasn’t even sure she was alive, the object prodding her back said otherwise. She opened her eyes to find herself looking at a canvas ceiling, it was illuminated in the pale moonlight that broke through the holes in the sheet.

Suddenly her world jolted and the objects beneath her shifted, then she felt it, unmistakably her hand had just touched another, but this one was cold and lifeless. A shock wave of fear and realization cascaded over her, she had rumors of the bodies transported after crackdowns resulting in mass casualties. Scouts that lived outside the borders had reported their potential existence before on the shadow.

Nat knew that she could not subject herself to see what she lay upon, but she had to escape. She closed her eyes and rolled onto her stomach and crawled to what she thought was the back. She felt as her hands clung to hands, feet, faces, and the blood of those she touched that leaked onto her hands. She kept her eyes shut, afraid to see the horrors until she felt her head hit the canvas she pushed and felt its stiff resistance. Now what? She thought continuing to keep her eyes closed, she pushed all her weight into the material as it stretched around her, she heard the fabric slowly tearing until suddenly it gave way and she was in free fall.

Tucking herself into a fetal position her back slammed into the asphalt and the momentum rolled her body. She opened her arms and legs lying spread eagle looking up at the stars, in any other situation it would have been beautiful. She felt a warm trickle of blood run down her cheek.

Sitting up she properly examined herself for the first time, her purple shirt she had put on over her button down for the protest was torn and stained with blood, the collar of the white shirt underneath had been stained pink. She dug in the pockets of her black pants to find the shattered remnants of her phone. Looking down her short cropped light brown hair fell into her eyes as she pushed it behind her ears she noticed it was stained from a cut in her forehead.

Attempting to stand she vomited up what had remained in her mostly empty stomach. She tried to stand again this time with unsteady success. Having calmed down as much as she possibly could she noticed the only light that illuminated the empty road was from far above, only moonlight. In the distance she barely made out the red taillights of the vehicle she had just disembarked.

All that surrounded her were trees, the noise of crickets and cicadas echoing from them. Nat had never seen such a place, forests were not productive to the state, thus they were demolished, housing, factories and warehouses put in their place. She had only seen forests in pictures and heard stories about the people that lived among them, defended them, people outside the border. Outside the border, the realization hit her, a strange feeling of elation bubbled up, she had always dreamed of leaving, but not like this, not like this.

She felt dizzy, the mix of emotions was making her head spin, the world went out of focus. She staggered to the side of the road and collapsed to her knees, the urge to vomit came back, she lied down in the overgrown grass on the side of the road, again the world went dark.

* * *

Nat awoke this time in an unfamiliar bed, in a room styled in a manner completely foreign to her. The room was wall to ceiling wood paneling that shone in the morning sun with the dull sign of neglect. On her right was a small table with a lamp on top of it, on the wall a painting of a red barn perched on a hillside.

She attempted to sit up in the bed, finding her whole body to be sorer that she ever experienced, with a dull headache to pair nicely. The wooden door on the other side of the room opened with a creak, a woman with blonde hair verging on white walked in, her blue eyes were piercing but her face was kind, she spoke, “You’re awake, thank goodness, Jacob saw you fall from the back of that transport, he went back out to join the others following it, he didn’t tell me much more than that you fell out of it, what is —” she stopped herself, “Sorry, I should’ve introduced myself, I’m Maggie, member of the scouting crew for the Color Guard, this is one of our safe houses, you’re south of the SSNY border, unincorporated territory. What’s your name?”

Nat went to speak but found her voice came out as more of a rasp, “Nat,” she replied and then fell into a fit of coughs.

“Ok Nat, if you can stand you can come to the kitchen for breakfast, otherwise I’ll bring it to you, I’ll try to keep myself from asking you too many questions, but you have to understand I have no idea why you are here. I assure you though, you are safe no matter what, okay dear.”

Nat nodded, “Thanks” she said softly. Maggie nodded exiting the room leaving the door open behind her.

Nat made an attempt to stand that made her head spin. Please don’t black out again, she thought to herself. She stood and this time her vision came into focus, she looked down to see that the she still had the same clothes on, though they seemed beyond repair with the collection of tears and stains that adorned them.

She walked over to the window on the left side of the bed and peered out of it. On the ground in front of the window was a small garden, little vegetables could be seen starting to grow on the plants. Further off were rolling green hills that the sun was rising from behind, the view was beautiful, like nothing she had seen before. She had seen pictures of the rolling hills of the agricultural district, covered in fields of corn, but nothing like this, this scenery looked more wild, more free.

She smelt the familiar scent of breakfast, the dominating smell being that of bacon, her stomach rumbled. Following the smell, she made her way down the narrow hallway that was also floor to ceiling covered in wood paneling. Other closed doors lined the hallway as Nat walked down it to the end.

She knew she reached the kitchen when the wood paneling stopped everywhere except the floor. The walls were mostly covered with wooden cabinets the same color as the paneling, a break was made directly in front for the oven and to the side for the sink and dishwasher. Between the cupboards on the floor and ceiling were stone tiles that matched the stone counter top. A small round wooden table a lighter color compared to the rest of the house sat between the L-shaped kitchen counter with four chairs surrounding it. In the center of the table was a plate of toast and butter.

Maggie stood at the oven working over pans of scrambled eggs and bacon. She noticed Nat enter the room, without turning from the stove she said, “Help yourself to some toast; eggs and bacon will be done shortly.”

Nat felt guilty to eat this woman’s food, but hunger quickly overrode her feelings of guilt. “Thank you.” Nat said with a bit more clarity this time.

“Of course dear, I’m happy to see your up and walking.”

Nat sat in the closest chair and looked down to her hands to see that the grime she predicted to be there from last night was gone, before grabbing some toast. “I took the liberty to wash your hands while you were out,” Maggie said, Nat was impressed with the woman’s ability to seemly sense her question, “As I’m sure you noticed your still in your own clothes, I didn’t want to invade your privacy, you can shower and change into some of my son’s old clothes, he’s a bit bigger than you, but better than nothing.”

A familiar pang hit Nat upon hearing the word son and she was reminded of that constant feeling that had only recently been drowned out by her attempts to survive. Gender had been meaningless in how this past chain of events had occurred, but suddenly it all came back. This woman by no fault of her own saw her as a man and not as a woman, and this simple exchange about clothes reminded her of that. This brought her back to the constant state of self-hatred that she was usually in, which now culminated in the fact that she realized she was getting sad over being misgendered, when what really mattered was that her parents were dead. Her parents were dead, and she had never told them, never told them who she really was, never even told them her real name…

“Nat, Nat are you okay dear?” Maggie said softly, it snapped Nat out of her head back to reality, hearing that name she realized she had given this stranger her preferred name, no, her real name, completely by accident. She panicked for a second before realizing that her nickname was gender neutral.

“I, I don’t really know” Nat replied honestly, “I think my parents are dead, my sister is back home in the SSNY with no possible way to know what happened, I’m alone, I’m scared, and I have no idea what to do next.”

Maggie placed a plate full of the eggs and bacon in front of Nat and looked into her eyes with a soft expression, “I’m very sorry for your loss dear, I think the best thing for you to do is to keep striving to achieve what you and your parent’s desired to achieve at that protest, keep your head up, I promise, it will get better.” Maggie touched Nat’s shoulder lightly, “For now though eat, and then clean yourself up, just simple steps, that’s what you can do next.”

Nat grimaced as genuine of a smile she could, “Thank you Maggie, thank you.” Maggie gave her a smile before returning to the stovetop.

Nat slowly ate the food that had been placed in front of her. As she ate she heard the sound of an exterior door open somewhere in the house, from the room next to the kitchen a man that Nat presumed to be Jacob appeared. Jacob’s appearance was disheveled and told the story of a man who hadn’t slept in quite a while, his dark brown hair was tousled with no regard for any style. He wore all black, a simple t-shirt tucked into cargo pants held up with a belt and tucked into tactical boots. On his right hip was a handgun and the left a hunting knife. He spoke, “Hi Maggie, hello, um…”

“Nat,” Maggie interjected.

“Hello Nat” Jacob repeated, “I’m glad to see your up, I’m Jacob, the one who brought you here, how are you feeling?”

“Okay… been better” Nat said with a weak smile. “Thank you for bringing me here, I’m not sure I’d of survived otherwise.” 

“Of course, what happened, the protest? I saw what was is that truck with you, I—”

Maggie cut him off, “Jake, please, just let him be, from what I can tell he’s been through quite the ordeal.”

The pronouns cut deep yet again, finally using her preferred name, the discomfort of hearing him in reference to her seemed to be worse than usual. Maggie again seemed to notice her subtle increase in discomfort.

“Its okay,” Nat said to Maggie, she turned to Jacob, “If you saw what was in the truck I’d prefer to not think about it, but it might help me if I talk through how I got there.”

“Hey, no pressure, sorry its just… I’ve never seen anything like that, at that scale” he finished with a tone of disgust.

Nat recounted her story of the events at the protest up until her first blackout, upon finishing she went silent. In recounting the story, her last sense of hope that her parents were alive disappeared. Jacob shook his head and stayed silent; she could tell Maggie was on the verge of tears. Jacob spoke first, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry kid” he seemed completely at a loss for words.

Nat decided she needed to ask her own question, “So who are you guys, and why did you help me?”

“We’re part of the Color Guard, specifically, we’re scouts, we operate outside the border to track the activities of the SSNY that occur here in unincorporated territory and help people cross the border, in or out, but mostly out. Me and two other scouts were checking out smoke that we noticed coming from where those trucks were heading. We pulled over into the woods when the convoy you fell out of passed, I saw you fall out and then collapse, and took you back here. I couldn’t imagine someone falling out of a truck heading for a mass grave was dangerous, so… here we are” Jacob finished matter-of-factly.

“So, what now?” Nat asked simply.

Jacob went to reply before Maggie interrupted, “Now you finish eating and get cleaned up, you’re safe here Nat, take some time to rest, you’ve been through a lot.” Jacob nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, yeah…” Nat trailed off and went back to eating. She noticed Jacob and Maggie exchange glances.

When Nat finished Maggie took her plate and said to her, “I set the clothes and a towel in the bathroom, take as much time as you need, the bathroom is the first door on your left.”

“Thank you, both of you, thank you so much.” Nat said with as much energy in her voice she could muster. Jacob nodded.

“As I keep saying, of course, go get clean dear,” Maggie urged.

Nat exited the kitchen and headed into the bathroom, it was quaint with just enough space to move and barely more. A large mirror spanned over the sink and counter, Nat avoided looking at herself in it, quickly peeling off the grimy clothes and stepping behind the shower curtain.

The water hit shockingly cold at first but soon warmed to a pleasant temperature as the water cascaded around her, her thoughts wandered. She thought over the advice Maggie had given her after Nat had admitted how afraid she was. What did her parent’s desire to achieve? How would it ultimately help her? What did she want for herself?

Nat really never had a clear sense of what her parents had desired when they attended the protests. She knew the reason why everyone protested, freedom of expression, freedom to create art, freedom to travel, freedom to decide your career, in essence it was the right to choose. She knew her parents were not in support of the old system, the system of capital, the system that much of the world around them followed, the system many in the protests desired to return to.

To her parents it was about what her grandparents had fought for, a space not controlled by the state or exploited by capital, but just people supporting people, and free to do whatever they desired, as long as it did not bring harm to anyone else.

What Nat wanted was to find somewhere where she could be free to be herself, where she could make her outer appearance to that which matched with her inner. Though she didn’t fully comprehend the nuance of what her parent’s had been fighting for, she had to imagine that if their child was able to live out life as her true self, to be happy and bring happiness to others, that would be enough to make sure that they did not die in vain. Besides, who knows, I could just help to topple the state in the process.